Voices of Reason

New York has a story on Obama and Clinton's "inner law students." It didn't give me any insight at all into whether they're going to send half of my generation to Iran, but I did figure out which law student archetypes they were. They were both Voices of Reason.

Each large law school course contains one Voice of Reason. He or she is a student who resents that law school is a circus. You know how penicillin was discovered by accident, so universities should explore all kinds of inquiries, even ones that don't seem practical at first? The Voice of Reason does not know that. The Voice of Reason wishes to rescue the class, which overlooks Washington Square Park and is led by an amateur comedian, from wasting time. He or she also wishes to appear more reasonable than everyone else, possibly following the realization that he or she will never be as amusing as the professor anyway.

"Ms. [Left Wing Zealot] makes an interesting point that the National Labor Relations Act doesn't distinguish between employed and unemployed workers," says the Voice of Reason. "And I appreciate where Mr. [Right Wing Zealot] is coming from when he says that voluntary unemployment unfairly disrupts the free market. I think I see a compromise. Let's raise income taxes, but only on the unemployed."

No, Voice of Reason, let's not compromise! We aren't amending legislation up here above Washington Square Park, Voice of Reason. We are saying exactly what we believe should be said. Soon Left Wing Zealot will build her textualist arguments on behalf of white collar criminals; soon Right Wing Zealot will be dampened by workplace sexual harrassment policies. But today, Voice of Reason, we're being ourselves for the last time ever. Why do you always try to be reasonable instead?

So that thirty-five years from now witnesses will tell New York Magazine,

“[The Voice of Reason] was a little bit above the conversation. [The Voice of Reason] had a synthetic mind and a capacity to summarize what people said so that they would come out feeling like, Yeah, I was fairly treated.”

“It was almost like [The Voice of Reason was] being a translator... [The Voice of Reason] did what nowadays would be called international summitry—flying back and forth between both sides … [The Voice of Reason]’s always been one who sees the need for balance.”

Translators for President!